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  • The Fairy GodNurse

'Don't take your phone to the loo!'

‘Why is he crying? But I’ve just fed him, my boobs are literally drained, they look like socks hanging from my chest…no, not with feet in, I’m trying to say they are empty socks. No of course they don’t bend at right angles, it’s nothing to do with the shape of the sock. It’s an analogy! THEY ARE EMPTY, HE CANNOT BE HUNGRY AGAIN’.

‘Please hold him. You cannot need to poo again, you’ve already had poo time this morning, I’ve never known a grown man to need so much toilet time. Why are you taking your phone? Can you set an alarm then to remind you to get off the toilet because I know you’d stay there for hours otherwise? I just want you to hold him because I smell of milk and he won’t settle.’

‘I’m going for a shower. I don’t know how long I’m going to be bubs, I stink, I had hormonal sweats all night and I want to just stand in the shower for 5 minutes because I’m so tired. No, he didn’t sleep through last night, nope not the night before either….no no, he wasn’t just up once. I’m going for a shower’.

‘Why am I crying in the shower? Initially it was because I can, because I’m alone to weep and feel great about it, to wash away the tears and not need to wet wipe 3 day old mascara off my face. Currently its because I managed 3 minutes and 45 seconds before you came in with the baby and my goal was 5 minutes, I’m gutted I’m still over a minute off my target. Thank you, yes please just leave for 5 minutes. No the clock re-sets with every interruption. I’m not joking. And the muslins are still where they have always been stored for the last 2 months. Yup, bottom draw. No, that’s a sheet. No it’s not the same.’ ‘Yup, love you too’.

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